Writing.......

So tonight I finished another book. My second in nine days. The books were 'Theodore Boone' by John Grisham and 'Hard Time' by Shaun Attwood. It has given me my writing bug back again so tonight I worked on one of my projects. I've really been thinking about writing alot recently and I have a few story ideas. I'm working on three at the moment and maybe that's why I'm making so little progress. I also have another story idea which I keep thinking I'm going to have to write it down otherwise I'll forget it. Another idea came into my head today for another story - I'm not sure I'll do it though.
I started writing poetry again. I found two poems that I wrote when I was younger. One of them was published in the Warrington guardian years ago and I cut it out and kept it. I've retyped it up so that it is with the other four I have. I think doing Literary Translation has really boosted my interest in writing again and it is slow progress. Not because of lack of ideas (I'm not saying good ideas, just ideas) but because of time. I seem to spend so much time sitting in front of a computer screen (especially as I do it for 4 hours everyday for work) doing essays or researching things or just wasting time that it is making my eyes tired which is why I haven't written anything. I started writing on paper to give my eyes a rest from the screen glare.
I actually really want to finish a story but I don't want to rush. My aim is going to be to finish something by the end of 2011. An early New Year's resolution.

Birthday Snow 2

Now then, this is called 'Birthday Snow 2' as it is effectively part two of my previous blog. I wrote the last blog an hour into my birthday and this blog is being written an hour after my birthday has finished.
In the last 24 hours I feel like I have done so much and felt so much. I got up at around 9.30am and had breakfast. I started tidying my room as well. I ended up going into town where I didn't spend anything, well, just bus fares and I bought a hot chocolate for Sonya and me. I didn't stay in town for long - I think we were only there for a couple of hours. I also heard off Alex, which made me smile alot. Especially when he told me what I had got for a present. I was shocked and if I'm honest, I really didn't expect to get anything. Of course I wanted something but I really wasn't expecting it. I still don't believe it. I really can't. Maybe in February I will!
I had quite a few birthday messages and every person got a thank you. I think I did the same last year.... Anyway, Sonya asked me about it and I said that if someone takes the time to wish me happy birthday then I am going to take the time to thank them individually and not just post one sweeping thank you to everything. Also, seeing as Facebook updates me on my phone now, it's just like sending a text back.
So the second half of my birthday was spent having tea at Alex's mum's and dad's house and watching a DVD with them and I left their house around about the same time as I left my mum's the night before so I felt like I'd seen a full 24 hours (despite sleeping for some of it) and it made my birthday feel complete somehow.

I'm just looking forward to February now..........

Birthday Snow

Ok, so here I am. This is being written in the first hour of my birthday. Just 20 minutes until the first hour of 18th Dec is up and then I have another 23 to go. So, how have I spent this first hour of my birthday? Well, let's see. After getting home I ate some toast - mm- bread - always good on my birthday and I've taken a few snowy pictures on my blackberry, but the camera is rubbish and my other camera isn't working at the moment. And now, I'm in bed, cosy, typing this. I honestly don't know what today is going to be like for me. Yesterday (just a few hours ago) wasn't brilliant. The snow part was, as that started before midnight. It really is beautiful. Even my foot being swallowed by the snow makes me smile. I love the snow. It's beautiful and it means I have a 'White Birthday' (as opposed to a 'White Christmas')
I find myself looking out at it, untouched, pure, clean, crisp and just thinking how perfect it is. I look out at it and I get lost in it. It calms me I suppose.
So anyway, back to yesterday....I was rushing around trying to get my work handed in and sorted and pick up a couple bits. I got a bit teary and emotional (I won't say what set me off) but I got into my bed and stayed there until I had to go to work (I got an hour's worth of duvet time).
I went into work and got given a birthday card which was nice. (It told me to have a relaxing birthday - that's something I need) It was thoughtful and then after work, went to my mum's and got her card and a card off my auntie. By the time I left mum's it was already 11.40pm so I thought I may as well stay up, I'm knackered but I may as well see my birthday in. On my own, well, with snow. Then after midnight, I get my first birthday messages on Facebook and one of them really did make me smile. I felt like someone really 'appreciated' me. Sounds strange I know. But it was nice because I felt like I mattered and that how I feel matter.
So maybe, my last 23 hours of my birthday I'm going to stop worrying about things I can't do anything about and start thinking about me, putting me first for just 23 hours and thinking of nothing else. Let's see if I can do it. I'm not sure I've ever managed it!

Any man who does not make himself proficient in at least two languages other than his own is a fool. ~Martin H. Fischer

Now, I think this is a bit harsh and not necessarily the case (yes, I am aware that sounds like I am not advocating the learning of languages - but of course I always am, I just don't think people should be considered fools for not doing so) I believe in the value of learning other languages. I also think there is a value in knowing your own language so well that you can express yourself with ease at all times. Now, I haven't done remarkably in the latter if today's results are considered and it makes me wonder if my knowledge of my other two languages is up to scratch. I know I need to focus more; I'm not working hard enough. I need to be reading more and practising more. Not just basic language. I need to practise translation more.

I spotted a sign up in university the other day offering paid translation work of 180 pages of a German book into English. I thought, why not? I need the practise, I need to refine my art so to speak and if they like my sample page then I'll get to do the rest which will be money, (which I also need) not a great deal of money for the work, but better than nothing. I have also submitted a CV to another translation agency and they should email me a test translation to do. The other agencies I haven't heard anything back off before and so I'd kind of given up for a bit, but I want to try again. I've even been looking into setting up a website where I can create a translation profile for myself but I don't want to do that until I know what I want to say and until I can get some paid work...or any work.....otherwise it will just be my university assignments being mentioned. There are still things I wouldn't mind pursuing besides this and areas where I believe I could combine a couple of the things I love....but translation is definitely something I want to do, especially of literature and even if I only ever do it as something every now and then, that would be ok.

So, all that remains is for me to do the test translations and see what happens.....oh, and do all my university work too! I've got so much to do and not enough time. It's always the way.

Meine Ruh' ist hin, Mein Herz ist schwer

An overwhelming feeling every now and again. It will pass I hope.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

On Sunday last week, Sonya and I went to Bookstore. I'd wanted to go there for ages since picking up a leaflet for the place months and months ago. There are two of them, one in Oakmere and the other is near Buxton. We went to the one in Oakmere. It was so nice being surrounded by books, at bargain prices and they had free tea or coffee as well. I felt like I could have stayed for hours on end. I only bought one book. 'The Illustrated Timeline Of Western Literature'. It was only £3. There were a couple of other books there that I liked too, but I restrained myself due to money.

It got me thinking all over again how I should be writing the book but if truth be told, I haven't had the heart to write any of it. I'm not the same person I was when I started writing the book and now it just seems like something that doesn't make sense to me anymore....maybe one day it will again. My other two book ideas still seem possible though. Maybe part of me is feeling like I need to write as I think there's a book that needs to be written. I've got a polka-dot note book that I've been writing in....not anything for my books though...I probably need another notepad.

When I was walking round, looking at the books I started thinking about the authors and how they managed to write their stories and wondering what it was like to put things down on paper and have someone judge whether anyone else is ever going to want to read it. Especially the poems. Sonya bought a poetry book; it had some good poems in there, some I recognised and some I didn't. I did look through to see if Bronte, Browning and Rossetti were in there as I wanted to see if the poems that Dylan (a character in a short story I've just translated from German to English who talks about poetry) referred to, were in there. One was. The others I couldn't find. I was thinking how difficult it it to get someone to appreciate something so subjective and perhaps with poetry you can only appreciate it, if you can identify it. I don't know.....

I was thinking as well how enthusiastic I had been leaving my first tutorial for Literary Translation and thinking how amazing it was. I could have stayed talking for hours, had I not had to go my Translation Technologies class. It was so good talking about not only the translation issues but also discussing the meaning behind the story; what the author was trying to say and talking about how that affected the translation choices. I remembered all over again why I love books and why I love reading. I started thinking if it were possible to do this for a living I would. Translating literature is by far more fun than any other kind. It really made me think that maybe I should be looking for jobs that are to do with publishing books or international literature. If I could, maybe an author...but I'm not sure I have the talent for that.
Part of me knows that if I did write with the intention of publication, I wouldn't be able to help but pour my heart into everything I write and I'm just not sure I can let anyone see that yet.
One day.......

An extremely frustrated (maybe verging on angry) me

Tonight I am feeling angry, not sure if angry covers it or in fact overplays everything because if truth be told, this 'anger' is probably nothing more than pent up frustration at the things in my life that I don't like. I don't want to go into it anymore here but I am fed up with a couple of things and more fed up because I can't really do anything about them.......I need a plan. I need to do something but is now the time? My eyes are sore and my voice has gone (not because of yelling or anything like that but because of the cold) and I am feeling incredibly broke, so I don't know if I have the energy, but what I do know is this: I have to do something or I'm not going to sleep. If it wasn't so cold and dark I'd go for a walk (and also if I didn't have a cold)

I am completely limited in what I can do about all this. I really am. A windfall would help the situation amazingly. In fact, not only could some more money alleviate the problems/frustrations, but solve them. Now I know they are probably no worse than usual but a couple of things have bleeped me off today and it's making everything seem worse.

I just need to sleep. But that isn't going to happen anytime soon so I just need do something to wind down.

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. ~Peter F. Drucker

I listen so much to other people and just through the way I am, I analyse what they say and the words they choose (which means I always try to use the words I mean to use and make sure that whatever I say, communicates what I want to - this of course is not always successful as noone is perfect) and what someone doesn't say is just as important to me as what they have said. What someone doesn't say or what they choose to omit can matter. (Not that I can telepathically know what someone isn't saying, but I wonder about it) Does anyone else ever think about that? It makes me wonder if anyone has ever heard what I've never said.

I found it :-)

I am writing immediately after finding this thing that I lost because I am so excited. I found my ipod! The one I thought I lost months ago. Although at the time, I couldn't understand how I had lost it as it was only ever in two places; my room or my gym bag. I always used to double check that I had it when I left the gym and so when I couldn't find it a few months ago I was really frustrated as I'd always been so careful and it meant alot to me as Alex had SCUB put on the back of it. I had a feeling I hadn't lost it because of the fact I had been so careful. But then as the months passed I actually thought I had lost it and then today I find it at the back of my Nintendo DS drawer and now I'm slowly remembering that I put it there one night after listening to it in bed.
The only thing is as I found the ipod, I lost a pill and I reckon I'm never going to find that. Maybe anything that is lost can turn up again, but I really have given up on the countless earrings I've lost and that £5 note I lost when I was a teenager. But over everything I've misplaced, I've never been so relieved to have something back. :-)
SCUB

Time, at last!

I am hoping that when I've posted this, my blog will say the correct time as it had been bugging me for ages as it wasn't set to the right time. It was hours out of sync.

Não deixe para amanhã o que você pode fazer hoje.

Ok, so the title means "Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today". This title is significant to me at the moment in two ways, in its words and its language.

Firstly, it's in Portuguese, and yes, I don't speak Portuguese, so why I have I written it that way? I've done it because the last call I had from a lady tonight at work was Portuguese and I felt frustrated because I couldn't speak it. It took about 10 minutes the get the spelling of a name and I just wanted to be able to say that it was ok, I speak Portuguese! But I don't, and I now I want to, but I also know it's ridiculous as I want to speak every language and I know it isn't possible.
So, secondly, the reason I picked this quotation is because it sums me up at the moment. I put off something today which I really should have done as it would have made me feel good, but I didn't do it...why didn't I? I'm not sure. There are also several other things that I should have done by now and haven't....I really need to cross off some of the things on my list. Maybe tomorrow. It's too late now.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. -Edna St. Vincent Millay

Never has a quotation summed everything up so well like that. This is how I feel. I don't need to write here what has caused me to feel like here, almost everyone will know.
Today has been particularly difficult for me - why today I don't know. How I've managed to get through the past few days has surprised me as I feel like a wreck inside. Maybe it's today I'm feeling it really badly all over again is because it's a week today. Maybe my body has been tired of holding off my upset. I am up and down all the time. When I get on with things I seem to be ok and then it just keeps creeping up on me the sadness. I keep pushing it away because it hurts too much and then when I'm alone in the house, like I am now, I let it out. Today as I was going into uni on the train I could feel the tears at the back of my eyes and it took all my strength to stay composed. Then I have these moments where I tell myself "You can get through anything, you know you can, you have to get through it" and I cope. But when I really think about it, like now, when I really think about everything that has now gone, may never come back and I can't do a thing about it and never could, I wonder how that pain will ever go away.

I've been trying to keep myself busy, I keep telling myself to not cry over what I can't control. I need to look after me, because I'm hurting and I need to try to fix that but it's so hard. I don't want to feel this way forever. I know I have take time for me, I know to get myself back to normal. I know it's only been a week, maybe with time I will be alright.
How am I going to cope with out the person who I love, care for and see as my best friend? how do I fo that? So much of me is now somewhere else......Everything I treasured is disappearing or has gone completely. I wish I could stop crying today.

33:40

That was my new personal best for a 5K run. I really was chuffed with it! I hope I can beat it next time (whenever that may be!)

5km in 43:59

That's 5km in 43 mins 59 secs, not 43 hours and 59 minutes. I was chuffed with this time. Hopefully, doing another run next weekend and I think I can beat that time! My previous time for a 5k was 37 mins, so ideally I want to beat that.

Take the time to come home to yourself every day. ~Robin Casarjean

Slowly, I am getting pieces of me back that I thought I never would. For the first time in a while I feel like I'm doing things that are for me and I'm not thinking about anyone else or worrying about anything else. The body combat class is a consequence of this. I enjoy it so much. I love the exercise and I look forward to it.

My book is also for me. I'm enjoying writing that; although truth be told, I haven't written any in a while. I'm still in chapter 2. I'm not worried though as I'll write when I feel inspired to.

I hope my motivation continues

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

Recently, I've started writing a book. I won't say what about as that is top secret (mainly because I don't want criticism) For years, it has been a kind of secret desire. Just to write a book. If it were never published, that would be ok. I'm writing for me. When I was younger, I filled a note book with short children's stories. I can still remember the first title of the first story: The Golden Eagle. I had even drawn (badly) an eagle in pen at the bottom of the page at the end of the story. I can't remember what any of the other stories were called; I wish I'd kept the book.
Anyway, the book I'm writing now is not a collection of children's stories. It's fiction and yet some of it, I know isn't. I don't think I could write it otherwise. I can't help but write pieces of me into the book or not express some of the emotions I've felt. I'm finding the whole process liberating and creative. I already have an idea for a second book.

Exercise!

I managed to get to the gym today. Yay! It's a start and seeing as I only have until the end of this month to use it, I may as well try and go again. Let's see if it happens.

To avoid sickness eat less; to prolong life worry less. ~Chu Hui Weng

I'm working on the first and second parts of this! I'm trying to eat less. I need to go to the gym! I've got until the end of May to use it and I need to. It runs out then and I can't afford to renew it. I'm tired of feeling tired and I need to eat less and do more. I CAN'T afford to put on any weight. I can't cope alone with this heavy feeling I have! I need to do something about it! It's making me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Hopefully, I'll go tomorrow!

There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them. ~Vicki Baum

Just recently, I was saying to Alex how I miss dancing. By this, I don't mean structured class dancing, but just go-out-to-a-club-dancing. I think I miss it so much now, because I don't do it very often. Years ago, going out every Tuesday I think I took it for granted that I always have that as a means of letting go and now, I think, I didn't enjoy it enough.

I love dancing, but I can't really dance. I just wiggle, waggle, move my arms in some kind of fashion but it makes me happy. Nowadays I go out to the pub and talk which I also love. I do love being out and talking to people, but sometimes I just feel like I need to dance. I'm listening to some music now that I like dancing to and I can only waggle my head to it due to the laptop being on my knee. The thing is, I like dancing in a group of people and that is where my problem is. I have so few available-to-dance friends (and by available I don't mean single but people who are in my area, willing to go out and dance)

I also want the excuse to get dressed up again. I was having a sort out on Friday and came across a few pictures of me which were taken before I went out on those Tuesdays all them years ago and it reminded me of how much I loved getting dressed up, curling my hair or straightening it, wearing my heels and going out.

What's frustrating, is there is no reason why all this should have stopped, although I wouldn't want to do it every week and it's not as though I need lots of money as I drink little (to get drunk) and once I find somewhere I like I'm not likely to move from club to club dancing. In short, it's now a lack of like-minded people.

My goal for the next few weeks is to go out somewhere, maybe get slightly tipsy, dress up in something I haven't worn, with my heels, go out and let go. I want to feel like I've got that part of me back.

Do not know yourself. I want to continue to surprise me. - Arielle Dombasle

I have surprised myself.

Everything you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it, because nobody else will.

The title of this blog refers to a line in a film I have just watched called Remember Me. It's an unforgettable film and it touched me in so many ways. I think that certain films have more of an effect on you at certain times on your life and I can say that this film had me gripped; I could identify with the rollercoaster; I'm not saying to the same scale but in my own way. Despite the title of this blog, the film is really saying nothing you do is insignificant, there's a message in the film of not just this and it's made me think.
I felt a bit sad and frustrated before I went to see the film; I'm not saying I feel less sad nor more sad, just thoughtful now.
Amazing film and it's only when you get to the end of it, that you realise the impact of the title and the actions/words of the characters.

The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking. ~Albert Einstein

It isn't often that I write 2 blog posts in one day, who know; this could be the first time I've done it, well actually it's after midnight now. I felt in the mood for talking (typing). I have alot on my mind. Can I tell you what it all is? No, Because there isn't the sense or the time.
I'm writing because I can't stop thinking about just lots of things. So many times, especially at night, I can't switch off. My mind won't be still and think of nothing. I'm rarely at peace. I was just browsing the internet, I was on one of my favourite websites www.quotegarden.com and found this quote, "Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinion at all" - G.C. Lichtenberg. I reckon this is true. The things I have no opinion on; don't care about; know I can do nothing about; they don't keep me up.
What keeps me up at night is worry or excitement. Sometimes I start thinking about how amazing something would be to do and I get so excited at the thought, I imagine full length scenarios in my head and it stops me sleeping. An example is when I was imagining a few weeks ago learning some new languages/ new skills. I enjoyed thinking about the endless possibilities so much, that I couldn't sleep. I must have spent an hour just day dreaming (even though this was night and I was trying to sleep)
Sometimes when I've had a card design in my head, I've felt to eager and excited about it all, that it stops me sleeping.
Then other times, my mind won't rest because I'm worried. I get worried and it makes me feel anxious, and a little bit ill and then I can't sleep. Money worries have made me worry. I worry about things I can't control or feel like I won't be able to control and I don't think it's doing me any good, but I can't help it. I just don't stop thinking. Alot of it is random as well. My thoughts are sequenced and sometimes I'm not thinking about anything exciting or worrying; just nonsense.
My 'cosy moments' tend to be those moments where I can shut off. My brain feels a bit lighter and quieter.

Well, this is just a lot of rambling nonsense I think, but I like nonsense. Nonsense makes me smile and calms me down. (although thinking of nonsensical things also keeps me up) I think Einstein is right, I just need to change what I think; nothing ought to do or cosyness.

What words say does not last. The words last. Because words are always the same, and what they say is never the same. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943

This seems particularly poignant considering my translation course at the moment. I've been looking at 4 translations of the same play; original written in 1891, the first translation 1910, another in 1960, another 1970 and the other from 2007. I expected to find so many more startling differences, but as of yet have found few. It's such a time consuming task reading 4 translations and the original line after line trying to locate meaningful, comment-worthy differences. So, I've abandoned that for now, for some background meaning.

Additionally, I'm rather stressed with money and it is causing me to panic and feel somewhat breathless and anxious if I think about it; it's making me feel ill. So I'm trying to not think about it. On a minor plus, no money means I'm eating less!

All I've had today is one and half bowls of cornflakes and pasta in a mug. Tea will be noodles.

I love bread :-(

Hovis granary got to me. I bought some and I've had three slices in an hour. But it's a small loaf and I am determined to still find other things to eat besides bread at tea time. I also want to try and eat less pasta, although I do love the wholemeal pasta.
I went to the gym today. That's three times now since last Wednesday, so that's good. I went on a different machine which made my routine feel a bit revitalised. I need to work out more, especially as I'm now 9st 1lb which is something I'm not happy with.

Also, I was working today! And I'm working tomorrow and Friday which makes me feel happier. However I have loads of work to do and I am having trouble finding suitable advertisements for my commercial translation course. I've been reading the theory, I just have nothing to apply it to!

Good bread is the most fundamentally satisfying of all foods

This certainly seems to be the case with me. In an effort to prove I can live without it for a little while, I have been avoiding bread. I haven't bought any and so I'm not eating any. I had a sandwich on Saturday which was bought for me; it was one bread roll. This is a record for me. I haven't eaten any bread besides that since Wednesday I think. Wednesday was possibly the last time I had some besides the roll on Saturday (which I probably wouldn't have chosen, had it not been bought for me) It's refreshing to not base all my meals around bread - which is what I usually do because I love it much. Breakfast has been simpler; branflakes and banana - no toast! And dinner has meant, no bread as a side dish.
Today, I'm going to keep going with this. No bread. I want to see how long I last.

(The title is a quote by James Beard)

Finally

I finally went to the gym today. I figured that seeing as employment is hit and miss I should at least try to be consistent with something. So hopefully I'm going to get myself to the gym on Friday too.

A new year

Well, 2009 finished with a couple omissions of activities, both relating to exercise. I stopped going to the dance classes and I got out of my gym routine, but these both happened because of difficult circumstances.
I got a job that had me doing 25 hours a week (plus overtime)and when you add on a part time masters (which I think few people really understand is actually quite challenging and it takes alot of your time to do well, so I have been pleased with how I coped and the marks I have achieved so far - that said, I'm not saying I've done amazingly) well, something had to give and so the dance classes went. Also because they were an expense I couldn't afford. I also got out of a gym routine as there didn't seem to be a good time to go, in between working and doing my masters work. Getting back to the gym is my number one priority (although, I've done little towards this at the moment) as I need to get healthy again or at the very least feeling healthy. It will also aid with one of my new years resolutions. (Easy to guess what it is really)

So, I am hoping for a healthier me, a more financially secure me and hopefully an achieving me in line with some of lasrt year's achievements.