Birthday snow again

I stayed up to see my birthday in and then went to sleep. I woke up and looked out of the window and it is white again. Not quite like last year. I remember my birthday last year quite clearly and it is hard to believe that another year has passed so quickly. It also feels like groundhog day in some small respect.

However, the lead up to this day has been a bit different! I managed to go to a Christmas market in Hamburg a few days ago and my graduation was on Friday just gone! My masters is over with! :-)

I'm left wondering now what will be the best way to spend the rest of my birthday.....

Bruises, bumps and lumps

I have another bruise on my leg from my insulin injections. It's all yellow and ugly. It's on the same leg as what I deem to be my worst leg that has a horrible lump under the skin. I hate it. The left hand side of my stomach has a permanent lump. I hate it. It's times like these when I feel fed up of being diabetic. I get drained with it sometimes, day in, day out and trying to find somewhere I can inject that won't bruise, won't hurt, won't mean getting a new lumpy bit. What on earth am I going to look like in 20 years? Three times as bruised and lumpy. In May next year it will be 10 years and I already have lumps patterned with red marks. Another 20 years and...., well I don't want to think about it.

Money is tight as well. It says alot when you have to sell CDs to be able to afford to post a book you've sold to earn some money.

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. ~David Russell

Conflict. That's what I seem to have inside at the moment. I've been left wondering about a few different things in my life. I'm left wondering this: How much is going to have to be left behind to be me? and how much of me do I need to keep hold of to still be me? Maybe this decision would be easier if it were just about one aspect of my life but it is everything. Jobs, location, people, principles, attitudes, ideas.

Or do I need to think about any of this at all? Maybe, I don't need to do anything or change anything. Maybe, there's nothing wrong.

Decisions, decisions......

Feels Like Today

The title refers to a song by Rascal Flatts. I was recently reminded of the song again when I watched the episode 'run' from season 4 of Smallville. I first heard it on that episode and it went with the scene so well (Clark and Bart superspeeding at the end), it kind of makes me feel empowered and positive (as well as making me wish I could superspeed). It makes me feel like I can do anything.

Speaking of doing anything, I have also been doing a few things which I previously didn't have chance to do like scanning old photos, sorting out stuff and making various appointments for this, that and the other. I have also started compiling a playlist in my itunes of all the songs from Smallville which I like. It is taking some time. I should have made a list as I watched them but nevermind. I'm enjoying finding new songs and new artists. A few I knew already. I spent round about £10 on itunes getting songs from the show and even though I'm not flush with money at all, I thought I deserved to do/ buy something that makes me happy. Instead of thinking 'someday', and wondering when that day will be, I thought, 'it feels like today'.

My secret

I don't think my secret is hidden in my eyes anymore. If you look closely enough, you'll see it.

No puede cambiar de pasión

I watched 'El secreto de sus ojos' last night. It really was a powerful thing that got me thinking about a lot of things. I was enthralled with it and I felt rather emotional at the end. The title of this blog refers to something from the film which is that you can't change your passion. It kind of resonates throughout the film, you have to stick to what you believe and motivated by a passion for something or a belief that something is right, you'll do it until you can't any longer.

I think this possibly may be in my list of favourite films now.

Restless Mind

It's nearly 3am and I am still awake, contemplating all the things I could be doing. I was up until 2am finishing off a James Patterson book I started on Sunday. I just couldn't put it down. Anyway, that's finished and I now have another 2 of his calling to me, but they'll have to wait. The reason I'm not asleep is because I'm having an intense thought moment - wondering why I can't switch off.
I told myself I'd allow myself to relax, read and catch up with people. Now as it turns out, I am still incredibly broke so I can afford to do very little. The reading part is going well - but perhaps a little too well as it's possibly the reason I am still awake and panicking how I am ever going to have the time or money to do everything I want to do. It's crazy isn't it? I have the same argument with myself way too often.

Tonight, and over the past few days I have been reminded of some things I always wanted to learn more about. Things I used to daydream about every so often in between my daydreams of being a teacher. I have applied for jobs which will get me off these shifts at work and would give me more money. I need both of these things. So while my mind was still fresh, I started looking at courses online, psychology to be precise. It was another thing I loved doing, understanding the way people think (maybe one day I can.understand why I can't sit still when it comes to learning). I also want to learn shorthand, always have and I think it would make writing all this alot quicker instead of typing away on the chacha. I also still have the languages I want to learn, at least sufficient for a comfortable conversational level holiday-wise.

And now I've finally managed to make myself sleepy...... I hope.

Freedom

It has been a strange time. For the past few days I have woken up and I haven't had any Masters work to do. Last Thursday, I handed in my dissertation. It's over and done with.

Now, I have time to do what I want. For the first time in around 10 years, I have nothing but a job to go to. Since 16, I have been either at college or uni and working. Then when I finally got a job, I had a job that meant taking work home. Then I left that job to work part time and do a masters. So I am now at an odd place, unchartered territory. All I have is the part time job. It is strange.

The Masters really did take over everything. It was all I thought about and it filled my spare thoughts. So now, I feel a bit lost but also relieved as I finally can relax a bit.

I've got loads of things I want to do now. I want to read some of the mant books I still have to read and I want a full time job that doesn't take over my life as I want to do some evening courses. Unfortunately, I can't do that while working the hours I am doing at work. This has left me feeling restless. There's so much I could be doing and I can't.

On a positive note, I have managed to get to the gym for a couple of days running and I intend on going tomorrow.

No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow. ~Lin Yutang

I'm not sure what I think about that statement. I always love travelling and I loved the pillow I rested my head on in Munich (perhaps even a little more than my own pillow). I loved Munich and now it seems like a dream even though I only got back two days ago.

I'm already thinking, I've got to get to a christmas market somehow.......

Out of the quarrel with others we make rhetoric; out of the quarrel with ourselves we make poetry. ~W.B. Yeats

This seemed very fitting for today. Not only is my dissertation on translating rhetorical devices used in the poetry of Erich Fried but also in a debate today, I wondered whether my use of rhetoric had much changed. I'd like to think I made a case for what I thought, both in my writing and in my debate but I don't know.

It has been a long day of being at the computer and I don't feel like I've made too much progress. I have about 1,700 words of a dissertation but considering only 500 words were a product of today's endeavour, it's not brillant. However, I know I need to work in short bursts though.

Tomorrow will be the same. My aim: to write another 700 at least.

Maybe I could make it to the gym tomorrow too.