From white to yellow

Yesterday, I had my kickboxing grading. I passed so I am no longer a white belt. White is what everyone gets when they start. I'm now a yellow belt. It feels good to have achieved something while staying fit. I've said this to a few people that the main appeal is that not only am I staing active but I'm learning something too. I originally wasn't too bothered about the belts, grading etc but now that I have one I'm hoping I can manage the next one before too long. I've been going twice a week and I'm going to continue with that so hopefully it won't be too far away.

E Mi Manchi Tu

I'm listening to a CD by Andrea Bocelli and that is one of the songs. The CD belonged to my nan. I can't help but cry as I'm listening to it. Although, I don't understand the words, but it feels like everything that could ever be felt or said is somewhere in there and pouring out of my heart now. Nan should still be here and wasn't meant to go yet. I'm too upset to write anymore except this: Nan, mi manchi tanto.

Effort

Long time, no write I know. I wish I weren't remembering to write feeling so frustrated. Today, I've felt like there are some things I can't win and that it's a losing battle. I think along with a couple of other things I just felt upset, well a little bit teary. I'm not feeling as bad now, I try to remain positive. I keep telling myself that if I put the effort in, it has to pay off. I can't handle the alternative which would mean it's not in my control. I've just got to keep going.

A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one. ~Rita Mae Brown

I don't want to make the wrong decision.It needs to be the right one but I'm not sure what that is. The fact that I am 'umming and ahhing' probably means something. I suppose I could leave it in the hands of fate. I'm just not sure I trust fate's hands though at the moment. Or maybe, more truthfully said, I don't trust myself.

No person who can read is ever successful at cleaning out an attic. - Ann Landers

One present which I received for my birthday has become very useful. I got a book journal and it is proving more useful than I could have imagined. Not only is it forcing (in a good way) to get through the books I want to read, it is also making it easier to let them go.

I wrote for my blog in the Warrington Guardian:
"I never throw out books as not only do I treasure every word in them, but tied up in those books, two stories exist; theirs and mine... Whether it is memoirs or a piece of fiction, there is something to be gained from every book and also something to be left in its pages". (21/01/11)

The journal is helping with that. I know that with my reviews I'll always remember when and how I feeling when I read the books. So I've decided to limit the books I save. I managed to clear out quite a few books before New Year, which unfortunately I never managed to review because I read them before I got the journal but I'm okay with it. Plus, I've cleared some space. I guess I have to accept you can't hold onto everything forever and maybe sometimes, it's better that way.

Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language - Gail Godwin

My dreams weren't even in the English language last night. I had one long dream where I was trying to explain what had happened to me and an English friend to a German detective. I'd like to say it's the first time I've had to speak to the 'Dream German Authorities' but a few years ago I dreamt I witnessed a crime and was giving my statement to a German detective.

2012

I had a great New Year's Eve. I went to Paul's house. We played board games, did Zumba, Rockband and Just dance on the Wii. I drank more than I've had in a while but not loads! Finally went to bed at 6am and got up just before 11am. It felt like how it was when I was 18.

I don't do resolutions as I think you shouldn't have to wait until the new year to do something you've want to do or make a decision. However, I am looking forward to continuing living my life the way that I want to.