A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one. ~Rita Mae Brown

I don't want to make the wrong decision.It needs to be the right one but I'm not sure what that is. The fact that I am 'umming and ahhing' probably means something. I suppose I could leave it in the hands of fate. I'm just not sure I trust fate's hands though at the moment. Or maybe, more truthfully said, I don't trust myself.

No person who can read is ever successful at cleaning out an attic. - Ann Landers

One present which I received for my birthday has become very useful. I got a book journal and it is proving more useful than I could have imagined. Not only is it forcing (in a good way) to get through the books I want to read, it is also making it easier to let them go.

I wrote for my blog in the Warrington Guardian:
"I never throw out books as not only do I treasure every word in them, but tied up in those books, two stories exist; theirs and mine... Whether it is memoirs or a piece of fiction, there is something to be gained from every book and also something to be left in its pages". (21/01/11)

The journal is helping with that. I know that with my reviews I'll always remember when and how I feeling when I read the books. So I've decided to limit the books I save. I managed to clear out quite a few books before New Year, which unfortunately I never managed to review because I read them before I got the journal but I'm okay with it. Plus, I've cleared some space. I guess I have to accept you can't hold onto everything forever and maybe sometimes, it's better that way.

Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language - Gail Godwin

My dreams weren't even in the English language last night. I had one long dream where I was trying to explain what had happened to me and an English friend to a German detective. I'd like to say it's the first time I've had to speak to the 'Dream German Authorities' but a few years ago I dreamt I witnessed a crime and was giving my statement to a German detective.

2012

I had a great New Year's Eve. I went to Paul's house. We played board games, did Zumba, Rockband and Just dance on the Wii. I drank more than I've had in a while but not loads! Finally went to bed at 6am and got up just before 11am. It felt like how it was when I was 18.

I don't do resolutions as I think you shouldn't have to wait until the new year to do something you've want to do or make a decision. However, I am looking forward to continuing living my life the way that I want to.

Birthday snow again

I stayed up to see my birthday in and then went to sleep. I woke up and looked out of the window and it is white again. Not quite like last year. I remember my birthday last year quite clearly and it is hard to believe that another year has passed so quickly. It also feels like groundhog day in some small respect.

However, the lead up to this day has been a bit different! I managed to go to a Christmas market in Hamburg a few days ago and my graduation was on Friday just gone! My masters is over with! :-)

I'm left wondering now what will be the best way to spend the rest of my birthday.....

Bruises, bumps and lumps

I have another bruise on my leg from my insulin injections. It's all yellow and ugly. It's on the same leg as what I deem to be my worst leg that has a horrible lump under the skin. I hate it. The left hand side of my stomach has a permanent lump. I hate it. It's times like these when I feel fed up of being diabetic. I get drained with it sometimes, day in, day out and trying to find somewhere I can inject that won't bruise, won't hurt, won't mean getting a new lumpy bit. What on earth am I going to look like in 20 years? Three times as bruised and lumpy. In May next year it will be 10 years and I already have lumps patterned with red marks. Another 20 years and...., well I don't want to think about it.

Money is tight as well. It says alot when you have to sell CDs to be able to afford to post a book you've sold to earn some money.

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. ~David Russell

Conflict. That's what I seem to have inside at the moment. I've been left wondering about a few different things in my life. I'm left wondering this: How much is going to have to be left behind to be me? and how much of me do I need to keep hold of to still be me? Maybe this decision would be easier if it were just about one aspect of my life but it is everything. Jobs, location, people, principles, attitudes, ideas.

Or do I need to think about any of this at all? Maybe, I don't need to do anything or change anything. Maybe, there's nothing wrong.

Decisions, decisions......

Feels Like Today

The title refers to a song by Rascal Flatts. I was recently reminded of the song again when I watched the episode 'run' from season 4 of Smallville. I first heard it on that episode and it went with the scene so well (Clark and Bart superspeeding at the end), it kind of makes me feel empowered and positive (as well as making me wish I could superspeed). It makes me feel like I can do anything.

Speaking of doing anything, I have also been doing a few things which I previously didn't have chance to do like scanning old photos, sorting out stuff and making various appointments for this, that and the other. I have also started compiling a playlist in my itunes of all the songs from Smallville which I like. It is taking some time. I should have made a list as I watched them but nevermind. I'm enjoying finding new songs and new artists. A few I knew already. I spent round about £10 on itunes getting songs from the show and even though I'm not flush with money at all, I thought I deserved to do/ buy something that makes me happy. Instead of thinking 'someday', and wondering when that day will be, I thought, 'it feels like today'.

My secret

I don't think my secret is hidden in my eyes anymore. If you look closely enough, you'll see it.

No puede cambiar de pasión

I watched 'El secreto de sus ojos' last night. It really was a powerful thing that got me thinking about a lot of things. I was enthralled with it and I felt rather emotional at the end. The title of this blog refers to something from the film which is that you can't change your passion. It kind of resonates throughout the film, you have to stick to what you believe and motivated by a passion for something or a belief that something is right, you'll do it until you can't any longer.

I think this possibly may be in my list of favourite films now.