Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. -Edna St. Vincent Millay

Never has a quotation summed everything up so well like that. This is how I feel. I don't need to write here what has caused me to feel like here, almost everyone will know.
Today has been particularly difficult for me - why today I don't know. How I've managed to get through the past few days has surprised me as I feel like a wreck inside. Maybe it's today I'm feeling it really badly all over again is because it's a week today. Maybe my body has been tired of holding off my upset. I am up and down all the time. When I get on with things I seem to be ok and then it just keeps creeping up on me the sadness. I keep pushing it away because it hurts too much and then when I'm alone in the house, like I am now, I let it out. Today as I was going into uni on the train I could feel the tears at the back of my eyes and it took all my strength to stay composed. Then I have these moments where I tell myself "You can get through anything, you know you can, you have to get through it" and I cope. But when I really think about it, like now, when I really think about everything that has now gone, may never come back and I can't do a thing about it and never could, I wonder how that pain will ever go away.

I've been trying to keep myself busy, I keep telling myself to not cry over what I can't control. I need to look after me, because I'm hurting and I need to try to fix that but it's so hard. I don't want to feel this way forever. I know I have take time for me, I know to get myself back to normal. I know it's only been a week, maybe with time I will be alright.
How am I going to cope with out the person who I love, care for and see as my best friend? how do I fo that? So much of me is now somewhere else......Everything I treasured is disappearing or has gone completely. I wish I could stop crying today.

33:40

That was my new personal best for a 5K run. I really was chuffed with it! I hope I can beat it next time (whenever that may be!)

5km in 43:59

That's 5km in 43 mins 59 secs, not 43 hours and 59 minutes. I was chuffed with this time. Hopefully, doing another run next weekend and I think I can beat that time! My previous time for a 5k was 37 mins, so ideally I want to beat that.

Take the time to come home to yourself every day. ~Robin Casarjean

Slowly, I am getting pieces of me back that I thought I never would. For the first time in a while I feel like I'm doing things that are for me and I'm not thinking about anyone else or worrying about anything else. The body combat class is a consequence of this. I enjoy it so much. I love the exercise and I look forward to it.

My book is also for me. I'm enjoying writing that; although truth be told, I haven't written any in a while. I'm still in chapter 2. I'm not worried though as I'll write when I feel inspired to.

I hope my motivation continues

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

Recently, I've started writing a book. I won't say what about as that is top secret (mainly because I don't want criticism) For years, it has been a kind of secret desire. Just to write a book. If it were never published, that would be ok. I'm writing for me. When I was younger, I filled a note book with short children's stories. I can still remember the first title of the first story: The Golden Eagle. I had even drawn (badly) an eagle in pen at the bottom of the page at the end of the story. I can't remember what any of the other stories were called; I wish I'd kept the book.
Anyway, the book I'm writing now is not a collection of children's stories. It's fiction and yet some of it, I know isn't. I don't think I could write it otherwise. I can't help but write pieces of me into the book or not express some of the emotions I've felt. I'm finding the whole process liberating and creative. I already have an idea for a second book.

Exercise!

I managed to get to the gym today. Yay! It's a start and seeing as I only have until the end of this month to use it, I may as well try and go again. Let's see if it happens.

To avoid sickness eat less; to prolong life worry less. ~Chu Hui Weng

I'm working on the first and second parts of this! I'm trying to eat less. I need to go to the gym! I've got until the end of May to use it and I need to. It runs out then and I can't afford to renew it. I'm tired of feeling tired and I need to eat less and do more. I CAN'T afford to put on any weight. I can't cope alone with this heavy feeling I have! I need to do something about it! It's making me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Hopefully, I'll go tomorrow!

There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them. ~Vicki Baum

Just recently, I was saying to Alex how I miss dancing. By this, I don't mean structured class dancing, but just go-out-to-a-club-dancing. I think I miss it so much now, because I don't do it very often. Years ago, going out every Tuesday I think I took it for granted that I always have that as a means of letting go and now, I think, I didn't enjoy it enough.

I love dancing, but I can't really dance. I just wiggle, waggle, move my arms in some kind of fashion but it makes me happy. Nowadays I go out to the pub and talk which I also love. I do love being out and talking to people, but sometimes I just feel like I need to dance. I'm listening to some music now that I like dancing to and I can only waggle my head to it due to the laptop being on my knee. The thing is, I like dancing in a group of people and that is where my problem is. I have so few available-to-dance friends (and by available I don't mean single but people who are in my area, willing to go out and dance)

I also want the excuse to get dressed up again. I was having a sort out on Friday and came across a few pictures of me which were taken before I went out on those Tuesdays all them years ago and it reminded me of how much I loved getting dressed up, curling my hair or straightening it, wearing my heels and going out.

What's frustrating, is there is no reason why all this should have stopped, although I wouldn't want to do it every week and it's not as though I need lots of money as I drink little (to get drunk) and once I find somewhere I like I'm not likely to move from club to club dancing. In short, it's now a lack of like-minded people.

My goal for the next few weeks is to go out somewhere, maybe get slightly tipsy, dress up in something I haven't worn, with my heels, go out and let go. I want to feel like I've got that part of me back.

Do not know yourself. I want to continue to surprise me. - Arielle Dombasle

I have surprised myself.

Everything you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it, because nobody else will.

The title of this blog refers to a line in a film I have just watched called Remember Me. It's an unforgettable film and it touched me in so many ways. I think that certain films have more of an effect on you at certain times on your life and I can say that this film had me gripped; I could identify with the rollercoaster; I'm not saying to the same scale but in my own way. Despite the title of this blog, the film is really saying nothing you do is insignificant, there's a message in the film of not just this and it's made me think.
I felt a bit sad and frustrated before I went to see the film; I'm not saying I feel less sad nor more sad, just thoughtful now.
Amazing film and it's only when you get to the end of it, that you realise the impact of the title and the actions/words of the characters.