The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking. ~Albert Einstein

It isn't often that I write 2 blog posts in one day, who know; this could be the first time I've done it, well actually it's after midnight now. I felt in the mood for talking (typing). I have alot on my mind. Can I tell you what it all is? No, Because there isn't the sense or the time.
I'm writing because I can't stop thinking about just lots of things. So many times, especially at night, I can't switch off. My mind won't be still and think of nothing. I'm rarely at peace. I was just browsing the internet, I was on one of my favourite websites www.quotegarden.com and found this quote, "Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinion at all" - G.C. Lichtenberg. I reckon this is true. The things I have no opinion on; don't care about; know I can do nothing about; they don't keep me up.
What keeps me up at night is worry or excitement. Sometimes I start thinking about how amazing something would be to do and I get so excited at the thought, I imagine full length scenarios in my head and it stops me sleeping. An example is when I was imagining a few weeks ago learning some new languages/ new skills. I enjoyed thinking about the endless possibilities so much, that I couldn't sleep. I must have spent an hour just day dreaming (even though this was night and I was trying to sleep)
Sometimes when I've had a card design in my head, I've felt to eager and excited about it all, that it stops me sleeping.
Then other times, my mind won't rest because I'm worried. I get worried and it makes me feel anxious, and a little bit ill and then I can't sleep. Money worries have made me worry. I worry about things I can't control or feel like I won't be able to control and I don't think it's doing me any good, but I can't help it. I just don't stop thinking. Alot of it is random as well. My thoughts are sequenced and sometimes I'm not thinking about anything exciting or worrying; just nonsense.
My 'cosy moments' tend to be those moments where I can shut off. My brain feels a bit lighter and quieter.

Well, this is just a lot of rambling nonsense I think, but I like nonsense. Nonsense makes me smile and calms me down. (although thinking of nonsensical things also keeps me up) I think Einstein is right, I just need to change what I think; nothing ought to do or cosyness.

What words say does not last. The words last. Because words are always the same, and what they say is never the same. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943

This seems particularly poignant considering my translation course at the moment. I've been looking at 4 translations of the same play; original written in 1891, the first translation 1910, another in 1960, another 1970 and the other from 2007. I expected to find so many more startling differences, but as of yet have found few. It's such a time consuming task reading 4 translations and the original line after line trying to locate meaningful, comment-worthy differences. So, I've abandoned that for now, for some background meaning.

Additionally, I'm rather stressed with money and it is causing me to panic and feel somewhat breathless and anxious if I think about it; it's making me feel ill. So I'm trying to not think about it. On a minor plus, no money means I'm eating less!

All I've had today is one and half bowls of cornflakes and pasta in a mug. Tea will be noodles.

I love bread :-(

Hovis granary got to me. I bought some and I've had three slices in an hour. But it's a small loaf and I am determined to still find other things to eat besides bread at tea time. I also want to try and eat less pasta, although I do love the wholemeal pasta.
I went to the gym today. That's three times now since last Wednesday, so that's good. I went on a different machine which made my routine feel a bit revitalised. I need to work out more, especially as I'm now 9st 1lb which is something I'm not happy with.

Also, I was working today! And I'm working tomorrow and Friday which makes me feel happier. However I have loads of work to do and I am having trouble finding suitable advertisements for my commercial translation course. I've been reading the theory, I just have nothing to apply it to!

Good bread is the most fundamentally satisfying of all foods

This certainly seems to be the case with me. In an effort to prove I can live without it for a little while, I have been avoiding bread. I haven't bought any and so I'm not eating any. I had a sandwich on Saturday which was bought for me; it was one bread roll. This is a record for me. I haven't eaten any bread besides that since Wednesday I think. Wednesday was possibly the last time I had some besides the roll on Saturday (which I probably wouldn't have chosen, had it not been bought for me) It's refreshing to not base all my meals around bread - which is what I usually do because I love it much. Breakfast has been simpler; branflakes and banana - no toast! And dinner has meant, no bread as a side dish.
Today, I'm going to keep going with this. No bread. I want to see how long I last.

(The title is a quote by James Beard)

Finally

I finally went to the gym today. I figured that seeing as employment is hit and miss I should at least try to be consistent with something. So hopefully I'm going to get myself to the gym on Friday too.

A new year

Well, 2009 finished with a couple omissions of activities, both relating to exercise. I stopped going to the dance classes and I got out of my gym routine, but these both happened because of difficult circumstances.
I got a job that had me doing 25 hours a week (plus overtime)and when you add on a part time masters (which I think few people really understand is actually quite challenging and it takes alot of your time to do well, so I have been pleased with how I coped and the marks I have achieved so far - that said, I'm not saying I've done amazingly) well, something had to give and so the dance classes went. Also because they were an expense I couldn't afford. I also got out of a gym routine as there didn't seem to be a good time to go, in between working and doing my masters work. Getting back to the gym is my number one priority (although, I've done little towards this at the moment) as I need to get healthy again or at the very least feeling healthy. It will also aid with one of my new years resolutions. (Easy to guess what it is really)

So, I am hoping for a healthier me, a more financially secure me and hopefully an achieving me in line with some of lasrt year's achievements.

2009 - a year of doing

Today while on my way to my street dancing class I started thinking about 2009 and about the things I've done so far this year and I am amazed! When I really started thinking about it, I have done so many positive things for me this year and I just want it to continue. I'm going to talk about it all here.

Let's start where my brain started.

Dancing
Today I went to a street dancing class and I was doing the dance moves of Michael Jackson's 'Beat it' (I wasn't doing the moves very well -but I was giving it all I had) Yesterday I went to a Belly Dancing class, which was always something I fancied having a go at and just never had the guts (and maybe time) to try. As I finished the class I had a great sense of achievement. I felt amazing, even though I know I probably looked rubbish doing the moves. The reason I felt like this is because I finally got the guts to give something a try which I had wanted to do for years and for years I'd told myself I hadn't enough time and it wasn't something I should do (I don't know why I had the silly idea there were some things that just weren't meant for me to do - not that anyone was stopping me, but it seemed lower down on my mental to-do list) I've always loved dancing (not that I claim to be able to do this) when I've gone out and it is one of the few times I can feel like I can completely be myself, be a little crazy and forget everything else going on in my brain.

Gym
After thinking about dancing my brain strolled onto the gym. I only joined that earlier this year, in April I think and that has been amazing for me. When I was working in the job I disliked it became a place to vent some of my frustration and I love the feeling healthier thing as well. For years I told myself to exercise, for years I told myself I didn't have time. Finally, I told myself to stop making excuses and that if it's something you want to do, you should make time. Having no time is an excuse I've used for far too long. I feel like I'm in control of my own life and in charge of who I am again. Certain things in life at the start of 2009 and indeed prior to that made me feel like I'd lost all sense of control over my life. In going to the gym, I feel like I've had some more energy and it has helped me get back my positive energy and attitude. In summary: I'm getting the positive me back, the me who knew I could do anything. (although it never all went away)

Job/Career
2009 has proven to be the year of change and a career change and education change has been crucial. My despair in my job affected my attitude. I constantly felt like a failure going into work. I felt like I was no good to anyone. I felt like I couldn't do my job properly. I got stuck in a very bad rut. I put so much pressure on myself to do anything as well as I could that I burnt out and then had no energy to do the job to the standard I wanted it to be. I'm also not afraid to say that my idealistic view of the job was shattered because I realised I wanted more out of life and more out of my time. I realised that the energy I had the beginning could never fully return because I had in someway changed. I knew I had changed. What I wanted out of life had changed. So when I made the decision to leave a reasonably well paid job (compared to my current non-existent salary) I did make a massive step towards happiness again and I daresay that the dancing bit may not have happened at all, had I not identified the root cause of everything.

University
I have gone back to university to re-train (that word might be appropriate here) and do something with one of my passions which is language. I'm doing an MA at the University of Manchester. It's exactly what I want to do. It uses my languages and it's a discussion about language in itself; the thing that fascinates me. The theory of translation, dealing with the why and how of it all is so interesting. I keep having these doubts though, wondering if I'm good enough to do all this...and then I tell myself, I'm capable of whatever I want to be capable of. I've never let self doubt stop me academically of with anything to do with languages so I don't want to start that now. (I've got to remind myself to read this when I think I can't do my course again)

Languages
So, as my train of thought followed on to languages, I remembered I did a week long Italian course in August. That was something I'd be toying with for at least a year. I'd continually go onto the website and dream of doing one. It seemed so adventurous and I'd never get around to settling on a date and always doubted whether the money would be worth it. I mentioned the course to Alex and he was the one who said if I really wanted to do one, I should go for it. I did go for it and I loved it. I wouldn't hesitate to do one again, but the money is an issue now.... That was an experience- an experience of 2009. My year of doing.
I always wanted to start another language and now I have!

Holiday
Naturally thinking about my time away I started thinking about the holiday I booked. This was something I was really proud of myself for. I booked, what I thought was an amazing holiday which included Paris, Bern, sleeper train and Rome. I was really chuffed that not only had I done it all as a surprise (not to myself though) but also that I was going to go to places I hadn't been to and be able to use my languages. (Of course there was the fact as well that the trip was with the person I love the most in the entire world) I loved the holiday so much and there are so many places I'd love to see and places that I'd love to see again!

Now I know that it is only September. I know there are 3 months left of 2009, but why wait until the end of the year to talk about the successes of the year. I've called this my year of doing. That's exactly what it is. I've done so much without realising all of it. I wanted this written down while the thoughts were in my head, while my heart lies fully behind them and my positivity is captures, so I can remind myself whenever I think my glass is half empty. To sound corny, but it fits the moment - my glass is full of what I've put into it and that's what I'm happy about!

Before and after

Well, I've finally got around to writing in this blog, and truth be told, I'd only recently remembered I hadn't written anything in a while. Last time I wrote, I was still in a job I had no enthusiasm for and I was looking forward to going on my italian course and I was looking forward to going on a holiday. I've now done both.

Trieste was such an experience and I loved doing the Italian course, so much so, I'd do one again if money wasn't an issue right now. I definitely want to learn more Italian at some point. I also went on holiday with Alex and that was amazing! I loved it all. Ceauce-Paris-Bern-Rome-Naples-Pompeii-Venice-Trieste-Milan. Of course there was the sleeper train as well. I slept so well on that train. I'd love to go back to Venice. Milan I'd be quite happy to never see again.

I had such an unforgettable August 2009. Now I start a whole new thing. A Masters course at The University of Manchester in Translation and Interpreting Studies. I've just got a couple of the books and I'm enjoying the feeling of looking forward to something. I'd been feeling anxious for so long going to work that it seemed like a permanent state of mind. The other day, I felt strange, like there was something major I was supposed to be worried about and then I realised there wasn't and that because I'd got used to worrying, I was still trapped in that mindset. I worry about money now but it isn't making me extremely anxious or really upset. So, I'm ok.

Everything seems to have changed so much and there are new challenges ahead but I feel more positive about it all.

One month on

Exactly a month ago I wrote my last post. I hadn't planned to write a post one month on, but I felt like writing today and it just so happened to be the 14th July. 6 more days and I am free. :-) I can't wait. I am waking up feeling just that little bit brighter with everyday that passes and I'm looking forward to going to Italy in August.
I don't have anything absolutely amazing to write about, just a happier me.

Time is the coin of your life.

I haven't written anything in ages and today after completing a 5km run in 37 mins (I am chuffed about this) I was reminded of my blog. I don't know if anything has changed but I am only 5 weeks and 3 days until I draw a line beneath one chapter in my life and wondering if the next chapter will be everything I want it to be.
But here's the thing, I know it will be, because it will be my decisions and choices that I will be living out, I'll be doing something I know I can feel passionate about. That's enough for me to know, that I'm getting back to being me. The me which knew I could do anything and the me that was positive about everything. This time last year my positivity was through the roof, I was excited about doing something I'd always wanted to do. That disappeared, and I felt like part of me had died.
Now I'm getting me back, little by little, I feel excited, excited about Italy, excited about doing something new, excited about knowing I'm going to have the time to do things that I really enjoy! And to top it all off, I know, I'll make the time. That's the difference, I stopped believing I had control of my own time. in 5 weeks and 3 days, nothing will be stopping me from having control of my time, which despite what you may think, isn't work. Work has controlled some of my time, but rather, it's the negative state I've gotten myself into, through doing something that I didn't want to do anymore, that has been zapping my time and my energy.

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. ~Carl Sandburg