2009 - a year of doing

Today while on my way to my street dancing class I started thinking about 2009 and about the things I've done so far this year and I am amazed! When I really started thinking about it, I have done so many positive things for me this year and I just want it to continue. I'm going to talk about it all here.

Let's start where my brain started.

Dancing
Today I went to a street dancing class and I was doing the dance moves of Michael Jackson's 'Beat it' (I wasn't doing the moves very well -but I was giving it all I had) Yesterday I went to a Belly Dancing class, which was always something I fancied having a go at and just never had the guts (and maybe time) to try. As I finished the class I had a great sense of achievement. I felt amazing, even though I know I probably looked rubbish doing the moves. The reason I felt like this is because I finally got the guts to give something a try which I had wanted to do for years and for years I'd told myself I hadn't enough time and it wasn't something I should do (I don't know why I had the silly idea there were some things that just weren't meant for me to do - not that anyone was stopping me, but it seemed lower down on my mental to-do list) I've always loved dancing (not that I claim to be able to do this) when I've gone out and it is one of the few times I can feel like I can completely be myself, be a little crazy and forget everything else going on in my brain.

Gym
After thinking about dancing my brain strolled onto the gym. I only joined that earlier this year, in April I think and that has been amazing for me. When I was working in the job I disliked it became a place to vent some of my frustration and I love the feeling healthier thing as well. For years I told myself to exercise, for years I told myself I didn't have time. Finally, I told myself to stop making excuses and that if it's something you want to do, you should make time. Having no time is an excuse I've used for far too long. I feel like I'm in control of my own life and in charge of who I am again. Certain things in life at the start of 2009 and indeed prior to that made me feel like I'd lost all sense of control over my life. In going to the gym, I feel like I've had some more energy and it has helped me get back my positive energy and attitude. In summary: I'm getting the positive me back, the me who knew I could do anything. (although it never all went away)

Job/Career
2009 has proven to be the year of change and a career change and education change has been crucial. My despair in my job affected my attitude. I constantly felt like a failure going into work. I felt like I was no good to anyone. I felt like I couldn't do my job properly. I got stuck in a very bad rut. I put so much pressure on myself to do anything as well as I could that I burnt out and then had no energy to do the job to the standard I wanted it to be. I'm also not afraid to say that my idealistic view of the job was shattered because I realised I wanted more out of life and more out of my time. I realised that the energy I had the beginning could never fully return because I had in someway changed. I knew I had changed. What I wanted out of life had changed. So when I made the decision to leave a reasonably well paid job (compared to my current non-existent salary) I did make a massive step towards happiness again and I daresay that the dancing bit may not have happened at all, had I not identified the root cause of everything.

University
I have gone back to university to re-train (that word might be appropriate here) and do something with one of my passions which is language. I'm doing an MA at the University of Manchester. It's exactly what I want to do. It uses my languages and it's a discussion about language in itself; the thing that fascinates me. The theory of translation, dealing with the why and how of it all is so interesting. I keep having these doubts though, wondering if I'm good enough to do all this...and then I tell myself, I'm capable of whatever I want to be capable of. I've never let self doubt stop me academically of with anything to do with languages so I don't want to start that now. (I've got to remind myself to read this when I think I can't do my course again)

Languages
So, as my train of thought followed on to languages, I remembered I did a week long Italian course in August. That was something I'd be toying with for at least a year. I'd continually go onto the website and dream of doing one. It seemed so adventurous and I'd never get around to settling on a date and always doubted whether the money would be worth it. I mentioned the course to Alex and he was the one who said if I really wanted to do one, I should go for it. I did go for it and I loved it. I wouldn't hesitate to do one again, but the money is an issue now.... That was an experience- an experience of 2009. My year of doing.
I always wanted to start another language and now I have!

Holiday
Naturally thinking about my time away I started thinking about the holiday I booked. This was something I was really proud of myself for. I booked, what I thought was an amazing holiday which included Paris, Bern, sleeper train and Rome. I was really chuffed that not only had I done it all as a surprise (not to myself though) but also that I was going to go to places I hadn't been to and be able to use my languages. (Of course there was the fact as well that the trip was with the person I love the most in the entire world) I loved the holiday so much and there are so many places I'd love to see and places that I'd love to see again!

Now I know that it is only September. I know there are 3 months left of 2009, but why wait until the end of the year to talk about the successes of the year. I've called this my year of doing. That's exactly what it is. I've done so much without realising all of it. I wanted this written down while the thoughts were in my head, while my heart lies fully behind them and my positivity is captures, so I can remind myself whenever I think my glass is half empty. To sound corny, but it fits the moment - my glass is full of what I've put into it and that's what I'm happy about!

Before and after

Well, I've finally got around to writing in this blog, and truth be told, I'd only recently remembered I hadn't written anything in a while. Last time I wrote, I was still in a job I had no enthusiasm for and I was looking forward to going on my italian course and I was looking forward to going on a holiday. I've now done both.

Trieste was such an experience and I loved doing the Italian course, so much so, I'd do one again if money wasn't an issue right now. I definitely want to learn more Italian at some point. I also went on holiday with Alex and that was amazing! I loved it all. Ceauce-Paris-Bern-Rome-Naples-Pompeii-Venice-Trieste-Milan. Of course there was the sleeper train as well. I slept so well on that train. I'd love to go back to Venice. Milan I'd be quite happy to never see again.

I had such an unforgettable August 2009. Now I start a whole new thing. A Masters course at The University of Manchester in Translation and Interpreting Studies. I've just got a couple of the books and I'm enjoying the feeling of looking forward to something. I'd been feeling anxious for so long going to work that it seemed like a permanent state of mind. The other day, I felt strange, like there was something major I was supposed to be worried about and then I realised there wasn't and that because I'd got used to worrying, I was still trapped in that mindset. I worry about money now but it isn't making me extremely anxious or really upset. So, I'm ok.

Everything seems to have changed so much and there are new challenges ahead but I feel more positive about it all.

One month on

Exactly a month ago I wrote my last post. I hadn't planned to write a post one month on, but I felt like writing today and it just so happened to be the 14th July. 6 more days and I am free. :-) I can't wait. I am waking up feeling just that little bit brighter with everyday that passes and I'm looking forward to going to Italy in August.
I don't have anything absolutely amazing to write about, just a happier me.

Time is the coin of your life.

I haven't written anything in ages and today after completing a 5km run in 37 mins (I am chuffed about this) I was reminded of my blog. I don't know if anything has changed but I am only 5 weeks and 3 days until I draw a line beneath one chapter in my life and wondering if the next chapter will be everything I want it to be.
But here's the thing, I know it will be, because it will be my decisions and choices that I will be living out, I'll be doing something I know I can feel passionate about. That's enough for me to know, that I'm getting back to being me. The me which knew I could do anything and the me that was positive about everything. This time last year my positivity was through the roof, I was excited about doing something I'd always wanted to do. That disappeared, and I felt like part of me had died.
Now I'm getting me back, little by little, I feel excited, excited about Italy, excited about doing something new, excited about knowing I'm going to have the time to do things that I really enjoy! And to top it all off, I know, I'll make the time. That's the difference, I stopped believing I had control of my own time. in 5 weeks and 3 days, nothing will be stopping me from having control of my time, which despite what you may think, isn't work. Work has controlled some of my time, but rather, it's the negative state I've gotten myself into, through doing something that I didn't want to do anymore, that has been zapping my time and my energy.

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. ~Carl Sandburg

25 days and counting....

Should I really be reducing life to numbers, counting away days? Well, no I shouldn't be, but it makes bits of it more bearable. Although, it also makes some things seem like an eternity. I just have to get through each day. day by day, week by week. Although, I've got to say there are things I look forward to in the days...mainly when I know I am the furthest I can be from stress having just walked away.
I have decided that I am going to try to have a positive outlook for tomorrow so that maybe I can trick time into going more quickly and slowing down afterwards.

Choices are the hinges of destiny

I've made a choice recently and not only do I feel happier because I have made it, it will also shape my future and I'll have more options open. It is this, that is keeping me going in the present situation. I don't have anything to say but that.

Restless and tired all in one.

After another long day at work. (I got into work for 8am and I left at 7.30pm) I feel so knackered, but I also feel restless, I feel like I should be doing more. I want to book this trip to Italy, but I want money in the bank first. I feel like I should be doing something more after that.
I'm not sure what though. I could say more, but I'm way too tired.

Thoughts, catching up and other ramblings

Well, here I am. I haven't written anything for ages. It's now half term and I feel like I can finally breathe and stop to write something. I'm tired. I don't feel like I've ever stopped being tired since starting this job and I have lots to do over this half term. I can't face it yet.

I'm thinking of changing my job/career. Although it is all I ever wanted to do, it's making me tired and I'm not sure I have the strength to last for what seems like an eternity. However, in saying this, I think it is something I may well come back to eventually (if I ever pluck up courage to leave and follow some other dream) I've been looking at doing a Masters in Translation and Interpreting Studies. I'm worried though, that I won't be accepted onto the course and that is if, I ever manage to apply on time etc. Also, I need money. Let's assume for a second I can get on to the course and cope with the inevitable pressure, will I ever get a job? I don't know. I would love to have a job which doesn't feel like it is crushing me and one which i can invariably feel I can get away from at times. I seem to be taking away the stress and I feel emotionally drained at the moment. Also, I fear, as I kind of feel it is doing, if I stay any longer, my love of my subject will disappear. I don't want that to happen. I am getting so caught up in the day-to-day chaos of it all, I have less energy and enthusiasm for languages. So an MA would give me chance to re-appreciate them and get back to finding a part of me that I feel is disappearing - the bit of me that loved discussing languages and how they worked.

Other news is that Alex has now gone to Europe, despite a delayed start yesterday. I miss you (I know you'll be the only one reading this) I got teary at the airport, despite the fact it is only a week. I think my fate has been determined for me regarding crying and airports; I can't help it. Ever since June 2005 when I had to leave Alex at the airport to go abroad and I cried. (With the obvious exception when we have gone on holiday together) I can't wait until you get back!

I went to the Trafford Centre today with Sonya. We were there only 2 hours and I managed to spend £68 although only £31.50 of that was actually on myself. it felt good to get out of the house and spend some time with Sonya.

I'm at home now, roasting. Wondering if I'll have any energy to do any work tomorrow. However, I am also thinking how much I love Sundays when you don't have work on the Monday.

P.S - I just got a text off Alex. Wish I were with him.

I'm not an elephant.

Statistics:
I can't remember. I think F9 in total. This year I'm not sure.
Insults: I can't remember now.

I've noticed this alot recently - dates are the things I always remember. I seem to be struggling with that recently. I wanted to say something to Alex the other day, I couldn't remember what.
I think I need to up the brain training!

Memory definitely isn't what it was......

It's too late, I'm too tired and yet, I still seek out unusual things.

You would think, with me feeling like my eyes are somewhere in the middle of my cheeks, as I'm that tired, that I would go to bed, but I felt the need to blog. Not sure what about, not too sure why and I'm fairly confident that I won't be saying anything too interesting either, but well, here I am.
I have been looking at latin quotes (as I said in the title - unusual things) I found the following phrases: docendo discimus (we learn by teaching) which is something I have always found to be true and holds even more weight now with me than ever before; per aspera ad astra (through difficulties to the stars) and I just think that is quite a nice thought; to know that if you keep going, you reach the stars. this seems even more poignant to me considering how late it is now and the fact that there isn't a star in sight in the sky.
Now, I am really am rambling. Night.

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts

I found that quotation by Eleanor Roosevelt. I hope that is what my day brings. I need some strength, energy and new positive thoughts.

The best way out part 2

I said last night the best way out is through. I've realised that the best way out may be through, but you can't keep going without stopping every now and then.

The best way out is always through.

This quote sums up how I feel at the moment. I found a quote by Winston Churchill that ties in with this. "If you're going through hell, keep going". I think the point of these 2 quotations is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'd like to see this light sometime. By no means am I going through 'hell'. I would never assume or think I am going through something that severe, but I am frustrated and particularly today I have felt invisible and incapable of achieving what I would like to.
So....I keep having to remind myself that I just need to keep going and I'll get somewhere. If I'm heading in the right direction, I'll just keep going, but it is tiring!
I should be in bed, not writing this! But I figure, write it now and sleep when I go to bed, rather than not write and then not sleep.

Try again, fail again, fail better.

Although this blog title has a dismal tone to it, it is actually quite upbeat if you understand it's message, I think. Everytime something goes wrong, you have the chance to try and again and do better. Even if you still don't get there, you tried something else, so you're closer to getting what you want.
Anyway, I heard that quote today, and with my positive outlook today, feeling like I won, I succeeded on a greater level than on previous days, I am happy. I haven't quite got to where I want to be, but I feel like I'm getting closer. :-)

Fell out of the car, a metaphor for today?

Well, I didn't sleep well last night, it took ages to drift off and then when I finally did I kept waking up. I'd set the alarm for 5am with the intention of getting to work early, but I was that knackered I stayed in bed until 5:50am. I left the house at 6:30am and managed to actually drive away at nearly 6:45am.
Anyway, arrived at school at 7am and struggled to stop the car due to the ice. The car park was like an ice rink. So, I stopped, opened the door up, put one (un-ice-skate booted) foot outside the car, went to stand and slipped/fell right out the car and that kind of sums up my day.

My lessons kind of slipped by, I felt like I fell down with all of them in some kind of way, despite perfectly good intentions of treading steadily. Sound daft? Probably is. Oh well, tomorrow is another day........

2009 statistics

2009
Insults: 2
Compliments: 1
F: 1
Points by me: 1

January 4th

Well, this is just so that I have something written in my blog. I'm going back to work tomorrow and I really don't want to. I feel tired at the thought of it.

Hopefully, I'll be reporting something cheerier soon. I know January 23rd will be a happy day!